


Bokuto's family Life

by SinningJ



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst?, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6997561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinningJ/pseuds/SinningJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bokuto has been self-harming since a long time, but he would never show it. No one knows and most people don't even care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bokuto's family Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brokuaka](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=brokuaka).



Bokuto was always the last one to arrive to the club. Not because he was busy, as he claims, but because he doesn't want anyone to see his thighs. Every time he changes into his training clothes, one hand rests there. It was filled with scars. Long scratches, short ones. Old ones and some, that are barely a week old.  
He is scared that others will see them and be shocked. Back in middle-school, right after he started doing it, his friend saw it. And this friend was shocked, because "You are too happy to do something like that." Needless to say, that their friendship was slowly ripping apart and Bokuto got more careful.  
He sighs to get his mind together, before hiding his scars under his black leggings and putting on his shorts.  
Quickly he gets into the gym, greeting his teammates excited: "Sorry, I'm late again!" They see his wide smile, as he walks towards them. "Lemme warm up quickly!"  
"Bokuto-san, there's no need to rush", Akaashi reminds him. Warming up is something, that should be done slowly, so you don't get tired quickly.  
The white-haired nods with enthusiasm, before running a few rounds. He notices how his teammates start to practice their attacks. They all got good attacks and with every practice, they get better. Since this is Bokutos best skill, he gets a little jealous. He wants to do them too and get even better.  
As soon as he joins them, they agree to make a match. They are exactly 12 members, so no one complains. Instantly Bokuto asks his younger friend: "Akaashi, let's be in one team!"  
The black-haired agrees calmly, before finding other four people. The managers watch them patiently, while discussing, why it is a good idea. Mostly because of the rotation. Everyone gets to test other positions and test skills.  
The 3rd year with the dyed hair is filled with excitement, as long, as the practicing goes on. He is distracted. All his concentration goes to the moments, not his thoughts. While playing, he just acts out of instinct.  
As soon as most of his teammates left to the changing room, Bokuto smiles at the few last ones: "Will you toss for me a little more?" They all got used to this question. And they all know, that if no one agrees, he will practice alone the whole night.  
"A little work never killed someone", smiles the manager of the third year. She takes a ball, while looking at the team. Most of them look tired, even Bokuto, but he would refuse to go home so soon.  
While the players go, she throws some balls to him, but she is unable to give him tips for improvement. No one blocks, so it is hard to tell, if the straight would have gotten past. But he always hits the ball in the exact right moment. His crosses are amazing as well, but they are a little weaker, which she notices.  
"Bokuto, try to hit with a little more power." That is all the tip she can give him, before throwing one last ball and she gets, what she asked for. "I think, that should have been enough for today. I will clean, so go home now."  
"I can help", he refuses, but she will not let him:  
"No, you go home. It's late and you live pretty far away from school. Please be careful."  
"Fine." He pouts while going into the changing room. A sigh leaves his mouth as soon as he is alone. Slowly he changes into his school uniform, before looking at his phone. His eyes recognize a few messages from his father, but he ignores all of them. Instead, he just looks at the time. 9:21 pm, pretty early for him. He puts his phone into his bag, before leaving the gym behind him.  
His legs slowly carry him around town, but soon he notices the shiver on his body. Even though it is night, it doesn't feel cold to him. He knows that it actually is fear. The fear of getting home, which he always pushes back, but as soon as he is alone for a few moments, it takes over and his whole body will always react the same way, shivering, crying, and not being able to do anything.  
He knows that it is pathetic. Breaking down even though nothing happened yet. Being sad, even though the day was great. It always ends the same.  
He takes deep breathes to calm down and go further, telling himself, he will be okay, knowing that he won't be, not today. His feet stop in front of his house.  
He looks at it. A few lights are on, which means, his family is awake. If he wouldn't feel so tired and exhausted from training, he would just walk around the city, so he doesn't need to deal with them. But all he wants right now is his room. The place, that he can lock himself into and just ignore them until the morning. Where he just stays awake, chatting with people or watching videos. Everything that distracts him.  
Again, he breaths deeply, before opening the door. Quietly he takes off his shoes, but as soon, as he is done, he sees his mother in front of him, her arms crossed in front of her breast. "Your teacher called", she starts in an annoyed tune. "You failed another test. What do you have to say to that?"  
"Nothing", he admits quietly, almost without any sound. He gazes onto the ground to avoid eye contact.  
"If you would finally learn, you would at least pass them, maybe, just barely", she continues. Both know, that he learnt every day a few hours long for that test. "Why can't you be like your brother? Can't you be smarter?"  
The brother, who is better in everything, except volleyball. He is more beautiful, he had amazing girlfriends -and his current is sweet, polite and smart-, he is more creative, is in an amazing college to become a doctor. He always was wanted. And even Bokuto likes him. Sure, who wouldn't?  
"I knew that you should've been aborted", she hisses. The first few times he heard it, he started crying. But crying always only made it worse. And at one point he just accepted being unwanted, being an accident. "Go to your room and learn!"  
He nods without saying a single word. Today was better than other days, he was lucky. So he doesn't understand, how he can still feel sad. He should be happy about having one mild day. So why does he cry? Why can't he be happy about it?  
He just sinks into his bed, tugging himself into the blanket. It gives him a safer feeling. Not much, but still.

 

It was another cut on his thigh. Another cut that will mark his body forever. But he doesn't care about this fact, he never did. It helps him to calm down his nerves, to order his thoughts.  
His body trembles as his eyes gaze upon the blood that flows out of the wound. It was not a deep one, but it will affect his training. But the others hopefully will believe an excuse like: "I just tripped, nothing serious. I'm still the best!"  
But he wishes for someone to actually notice it. Someone who notices, that he is, in fact, not okay and that he suffers. Someone, who would just hug him and never let go.  
He takes deep breaths before putting his blade away. It's always the same blade and it always ends up in a deep red colour, which he washes away every morning, before his family wakes up.  
Tears run down his cheeks. As soon as he wipes them away, new ones appear.  
"You are loved."  
"They care."  
That's what he tells himself every time. He knows that it is true. But it won't cheer him up. Because it's difficult to really tell. And what is it worth if he can't manage to love himself?  
No matter how often he reads something like:  
"You are important."  
"Your life matters."  
It won't work. There are so many people, who are more important. People, who are nicer, calmer, smarter. His only true skill is sport, to be more accurate: only volleyball. Not more. He isn't smart or cool or beautiful. And with his personality, he only annoys others. He is loud and difficult, he needs attention. He is well aware of it, but he can't change it. How can someone not hate him? He always has the urge to stand out, which he hates the most about himself. Someone like him should not feel great or awesome. He should not act as if he is proud of himself. He is just worthless scum, even though he tries to tell himself he is not.

 

Slowly he takes his phone, his arms shivering. He may be an idiot, but even he can tell: If this goes on, he will never feel better, it might even will bring him far enough to commit suicide. He doesn't intend to end his own life, because he wants to have happy moments. As soon as he moves out, everything will be better. His fear and sadness will still follow his broken mind, that's for sure. But can it get worse. Living alone is a lot better than living with an abusive family. And he could even get a pet if he couldn't get a roommate.  
He looks at the phone screen, reading the contacts names. Who would be best to chat with? None of his classmates, since they would just make fun of him again. Maybe a teacher? No, they'd just call his parents, which would make it worse. The manager of the volleyball-club? Yukie sure seems nice and would understand him, but he is too ashamed. He always starts to talk to her, if he wants to borrow something. Pens, books and especially money. But he never manages to give it back. He even lost count of what he owes her. Even the amount of money.  
And most of the teammates seem to be annoyed by his behaviour. Maybe it's just his fear of being rejected, but he can't bring himself to message any of them. Not even Akaashi. He remembers that one year ago, they had trouble almost the whole year. They were just too different and couldn't fit to each other’s technique, so they never really got to play together. If Akaashi wouldn't have written down all of Bokutos mistakes and weaknesses and studied every single one of them, they would still fail.  
But that is all Akashi’s praise, Bokuto always only tried to learn by training and it's needless to say, that it didn't help a bit.  
And now, Bokuto always relies on him. Even though he is older and should be reliable and cool, and not being the one that needs to be dragged along.  
But they still managed to get along without problems and they still do.  
"Akaashi will understand me", Bokuto tells himself. The younger one always does. He even knows more about Bokuto than Bokuto himself.  
He takes a deep breathe before thinking about, what he could say. Wouldn't it be weird, if he would just say:  
"I need to talk to someone."  
"Hey, I'm down. Can we talk?"  
And as he sees the time, he worries. What if Akaashi sleeps? Would he want to talk about it tomorrow? When tomorrow? If it was in school, others would hear and ask more about it. If it was in the afternoon, than his whole team would hear it. And in the evening, his mother would text him threats until he comes home and he would break down in front of Akaashi, which would make it embarrassing.  
"I'll just do it", he says to himself. Without thinking more about it, he just texts: "Akaashi, are you still awake?" and presses "send."  
Nervously he awaits a reply, which follows a few moments: "Yes, but I was about to go to sleep. Maybe you should do that too."  
"I can't, not sleepy", he answers. "Well, good night! Sleep well! Don't let the bed bugs bite."  
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" Akaashi knows that Bokuto never sends without needing something.  
"I just wondered, if I could visit you tomorrow?“ he replies. "Because I need a quiet place to learn or something. Or let's watch movies. I bought that super awesome musical yesterday and I want to watch it! Okay?"  
"I will ask my mother in the morning", Akaashi tells. "But I don't think she will be bothered. Will you stay for dinner?"  
"Sure thing!"  
"Any wishes?"  
"Me no wishes for dishes."  
"Stop."  
"Good Night, Akaashi!"  
"Good night, Bokuto-san."  
Bokuto puts his phone away, falling into his bed. Blankly he stares to the ceiling, without reacting to anything. The clockwork, his thoughts, the ringing of his phone. Nothing. He is just glad that now he got a place to stay tomorrow, for a few hours. And finally he doesn't feel sad for now. Even though he doesn't feel anything now, it calms him. His thoughts are being dulled.  
"Either I'm sleepy or I just lost my mind fully", he recognizes quietly, before forming an embryo position. This position gives him a feeling of warmth and being loved.

 

The school ends for today, without a big incident. Nothing was written on the table of Bokuto, they did mentally bully him.  
"Idiot."  
"Scum."  
"Trash."  
But he just laughs it off, that's all he can do. If he stands up for himself, the teacher will think, he was the bully. That was always the same. So he can't do anything else. Laugh it off and accept it, hoping, that they will get bored eventually.  
"I sure am!"  
"King of Trash!"  
"Haha, yeah!"  
He smiles as he leaves the building behind him, his teammate right next to him. Excited he shows a few DVDs to him and speaks in a loud voice: "We need to watch them all! They are awesome. I bet you will like them!"  
"We would have to watch the whole night", Akaashi notices. It's Friday so he doesn't have to worry about waking up. But his parents want to drive away tomorrow morning and they don't like it, when there are visitors when they aren't home.  
As he sees the golden puppy eyes of the third year, he sighs. "I have to ask my parents. Do you have clothes to change with you?"  
"You can bet!", he grins. "Thanks, Akaashi! Sometimes I think, you are more awesome than me!"  
"Why that?", he asks, but doesn't get an answer. While he stays silent for the rest of the way, the one with the white dyed hair talks about all kind of things. Talking about sport and movies, about cute pets he saw. Akaashi just bears it, until he gets into his house. "We're back."  
Instantly a beautiful woman comes to them and hugs Akaashi. "Welcome back", she greets him, before taking a step back. With a wide and warm smile she reaches a hand to Bokuto. "Nice to see you again, Bokuto. Are you hungry?"  
"You can bet that!", he grins, before walking into the kitchen. He sits down, followed by Akaashi, before his mother puts a few dishes onto the table. Salad and chicken meat.  
"Damn, Miss Akaashi, I never noticed that Akaashi got his beauty from you!", he praises, which causes Keiji to sigh deeply.  
The mother laughs, before she speaks: "Oh my. But if you think that this will get you a second dessert, you are dead wrong."  
Akaashi sighs, knowing that those two can have their moments. And every time Bokuto visits, he will regret that he agreed. Mostly because he likes his dishes mild and Bokuto with an intense taste, the mother always lets Bokuto spice it himself.  
"Can I have the salt?", Bokuto asks.  
"How do we ask in this house?", the mother replies, which causes Akaashi to shake his head. Even though he should be prepared, he hates this moment.  
"Swiggity swalt, pass me the salt", Bokuto laughs, as the older one gives it to him. Since she already ate, she leaves the room, after washing the cooking utensils. The boys eat quietly, before washing it themselves and going upstairs into Akaashi's room. Even though Bokuto loves dessert, in this household it is not eaten directly after the meal, so the adult will bring it sooner or later.  
The room only seems to have basic stuff. A bed, which is freshly made, a wardrobe and a TV, but also a desk.  
"Bokuto-san, I will ask my mother, if you can stay overnight", Akaashi speaks quietly. "Would you mind turning the TV on and preparing a DVD?"  
"Leave it to me!", Bokuto grins as he turns the TV on and tries to choose a movie. Akaashi is not a fan of comedies or horrors. Well, he doesn't seem to enjoy any movie, not even famous musicals. But it's nice that he still watches them. Akaashi must be annoyed by Bokuto, but he still does everything for him. He doesn't care about anything that the older does, he just accepts it.  
Bokuto just takes the first DVD and puts it into the player, before laying into the bed. He wraps the blanket around him and waits for his younger teammate.  
As soon as he appears, he tells: "My mother is okay, if you stay overnight." He sits down on the bed with small distance to the older one.  
Bokuto takes his chance and puts his arms around the smaller one and softly pulls him to himself, before taking the remote and pressing play. Quietly they just sit there and watch it, until a knock on the door gets the attention.  
Bokuto presses Pause, before he screams: "Come in."  
The mother opens the door and presents two bowls, that are filled with vanilla pudding, which also has strawberries cut into. "Am I disturbing your Netflix and Chill?", she asks with a soft smile, giving them the dessert. As she notices how disappointed her son is, she pouts: "What? Can't I know about stuff like this? Forgot that we have internet?" He stays silent.  
"Man, Miss Akaashi! Your cooking always is amazing! How do you do that?", Bokuto asks curious. He loves the whole household. The mother is funny and pretty modern. Since she doesn't work, she either takes care of the household or follows her hobbies, mostly browsing the internet or drawing. Akaashi’s father is a little more serious, but still laughs over every joke.  
"Family secret", she answers with a wink. "Have fun you two." With a grin she leaves the room.

In the late evening, Bokuto has problems with staying awake. The whole night was sleepless for him and he needed a few cups of black coffee to stay awake. He rests his head on Akaashi’s shoulders, who just watches the movie, without reacting to it.  
Since it nears the end, he starts to speak: "That was the last one, which was not horror, right?" He knows about the older ones fear of scary things, but somehow, he still loves this genre the most. "Should I get us some snacks? And maybe you should get into your pyjama. When dad comes home, you won't be able to get in the bathroom for an hour." Or more. The father is always coming home late, but when he does, no one can get into the bathroom, not even for the toilet. And no one knows what he does in there the whole hour.  
"Sure and get a few pillows too, will ya?", Bokuto smiles his usual wide smile, before standing up and getting his bag. With it he goes into the named room and starts to change. His pyjama is actually just a combination of sweatpants with a tank top, both black.  
As soon as he has changed, he gets back and sees Akaashi, who puts two bowls onto the bed. One of them is filled with popcorn and one of them is filled with chips.  
The younger one goes to his wardrobe and gets his sleeping clothes, before leaving the room again. Bokuto sits down on the bed and carefully, so he doesn't spill the snacks, tucks himself into the soft blanket. Soon he realizes that he has to change the DVD, so he does that quickly, to make himself comfortable again.  
Akaashi gets into the room with a blue T-Shirt and grey Boxer shorts. He turns the light off, before sitting next to Bokuto again, which causes him to be softly being pulled into the older ones arm. Both of them take a bowl and put them on their laps, before letting the movie start.  
Excited Bokuto stares at the moving pictures, while his friend stays emotionless. Every time a jump scare appears, Bokuto screams like a young girl and hiding his face behind the black-haired, who doesn't react to him at all.  
"That's almost as scary as...“ Bokuto whispers, without finishing the sentence. Family, the only word to finish it now. Mostly his mother, who mentally abuses him and tells him at any chance how much of a failure he is and how much she regrets not having him aborted. Then there's also his father, who divorced, when Bokuto was around four years old, but he has to stay there every second weekend and he hates it. His father is an alcoholic and always yells at him, even threatens him. He even used to beat him, but stopped as soon as a teacher called him once. Sometimes, when he is drunk, he still does, but Bokuto always locks himself into the bedroom and only comes out to eat and pee, when he is sure, that the older one sleeps.  
And then there's his older brother, but they ignored each other since childhood. They don't hate each other, but they tried to make each other’s life difficult. The older one just got better in everything and always got the praise from the parents. Volleyball is the only thing that Bokuto can do in peace, without being compared.  
He doesn't notice that he started to shiver, until Akaashi mentions it: "Bokuto-san, are you okay? You are shivering. Are you cold?"  
"No, the movie is just too scary for me", he lies. Horror movies are his favourites and he never started to shiver or having nightmares thanks to those. "That one’s really cool."  
"By the way, you forgot your phone in the bathroom", Akaashi remembers. "Your mother called. Maybe you should call back?"  
"It'll be fine", Bokuto replies.  
"You did tell your mother, that you plan to stay at my place, didn't you?", Akaashi asks, already knowing that he didn't. "Bokuto-san, you should inform her."  
"It'll be fine", he repeats. "She knows, I'm here, so don't worry."  
"She doesn't know that either, does she?"  
"Not at all", Bokuto laughs nervous. "I'll call her after the movie, okay?" Akaashi just raises one eyebrow in respond. "C'mon lemme enjoy the rest of the movie."  
Akaashi pauses the video, glaring into his face. "I want you to tell me the truth, okay? Are you avoiding your home on purpose?" The older one nods, because Akaashi can exactly tell, if he is lying, when they talk to each other personally. "Want to talk about it?"  
"Not really", he admits. "I'll be fine." Both can tell that this was a reminder to himself.  
Akaashi doesn't say anything to this. Instead, he carefully wraps his arms around the older one. It was a soft hug filled with warm feelings. Bokuto can't help but bury his face on the younger ones shoulder. It's the first time in years he got hugged in such a soft way. His whole body suddenly feels comfortable and home. Maybe that's because Akaashi doesn't look like he cares much about others and that his whole personality lets him look like he would never hug someone. Even if this feeling will not last that long, it is enough for now.


End file.
